James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
You Might Also Like
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination