[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
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You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away