Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
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It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
live, laugh, laundry.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll