Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
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Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes