Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
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[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
socratic questions
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”