January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
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Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”