*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
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PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.