[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
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Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.