Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
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When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round