@jimmy_sharpe: Jealous of how pineapples always have cool hair.
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@FatherWithTwins: 4yo: What do you love most in the world? Me: You & your brother 4yo: Oh Me: What about you? 4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies Me: Oh
@mariokeyparty: My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a "father-son" picnic and he invited his father
@Iwriteforcats: [Travels back in time] Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future? Lincoln: United as one nation... Me: Wrong! FATTER.
@Brianhopecomedy: "Oh, we're going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked." - my 2 year old