@jimmy_sharpe: Jealous of how pineapples always have cool hair.
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@BGH70: When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna. That's too much death in one bag.
@GashleyMadison: I love playing catch with my dogs when I'm drunk, because I don't have dogs when I'm sober.
@AndrewNadeau0: WebMD: You have cancer. Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake. WebMD: And good thing you did... Cuz of the cancer.