@jimmy_sharpe: Jealous of how pineapples always have cool hair.
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@badbanana: Man, the way these journalists are complaining it's like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
@iwearpajamas: I've been working on a new type of martial arts that involves the taking of money from Hispanics. TakeJuan'sdough.
@Dutch_50: A co-worker is retiring, so they're passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
@kirbys4losers: I'd rather be with a man who blows his load too soon rather than starts singing too soon in a song. How embarrassing for both of us.