Eating wings is the opposite of flying
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BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
wait.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I wish I could veto my bills.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?