Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
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[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Just grow your own
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.