[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
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husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police