Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
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I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist