Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
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If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.