Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
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“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.