Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
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Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
choose your gary
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?