[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
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smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
TODAY
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month