I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
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What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t