Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
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I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.