I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
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I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
so weird how every mom was born today
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED