Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
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Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Meat Cute
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
can I use a minion as a tampon
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Mornin. * use accordingly