Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
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With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors