So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
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I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Hot hot hot 🥵
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways