Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
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Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Doctors texting each other.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I did not eat the cake…
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no