I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
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*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
This squirrel eats better than I do
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors