Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
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where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Haha! 😂
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
The best shot in the history of golf