u spoke cat all this time??????
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The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Sponch
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha