[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
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If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I never needed anything more in my life
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
That’s incredible! 👌
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.