@TheTweetOfGod: Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it's the most important meal.
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@shutupmikeginn: Lifehack: If whenever someone asks your opinion on something you say, "Now thats-a spicy meatball!" people will learn not to ask you things.
@NYC_Blonde: Mom: Wanna help gift rap? Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro-- oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you're on your own.
@RxitWounds: POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR! What's the magic word? [Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
@philyuck: “Here we are.” I thought we were going to the camoflauge store? This is just an empty field. “No it’s not.” Oh this place is good.