@TheTweetOfGod: Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it's the most important meal.
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@Blarebare: I'm seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
@Marlebean: [outside a blazing house] Firefighter: ... Me: ... Firefighter: ... Me: ... There was a spider.
@paperphotoyo: When a man falls asleep next to me, I like to sniff his arm pit. Then he usually gets mad, I have to ride a different bus, it's a big mess.
@hamspamtymaam: If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they've been drinking in order to establish dominance.