Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
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I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.