[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
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According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I don’t get marriage
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.