[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
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Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
When I grow up, I want to be 16
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.