*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
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Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
so i’m at the stock market right
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.