Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
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Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
#Caturday
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.