Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
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Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Sell your car
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*