Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
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I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Ok who’s got my black socks?
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.