Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
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ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks