Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
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[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997