*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
You Might Also Like
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what