Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
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do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Bond. Trauma bond.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”