Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
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GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.