Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
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How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.