They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
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Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.