Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
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My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I think my mom just blocked me
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*