Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
You Might Also Like
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.