Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
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A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
That’s it.I’m out.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone