Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
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Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.