[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
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Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆