Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
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Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.