What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
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*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Need this in my life lol
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.