Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
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“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Cinematography is my passion
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
🤣😂